Baddie and the Holey Wall
Pretty much around three months ago, Mr. Baddie and I moved into our new apartment in the centre of Berlin. It’s a lovely, bright place with an incredible amount of roomy built-in closets (which are mostly filled with my shoes; no, really). It does have some unexpected features, however. Like no visible wires for lamps. Yep, the ceilings are smooth as a baby’s bottom. So when we were unpacking during several winter days when it got dark around 4, we had to do it one room at a time, travelling with our single free standing lamp accordingly. We still have this problem, by the way.
Anyway, unpacking done, we got to the business of furnishing, decorating and adjusting it to our needs. What we left for last, like any sane persons, were putting up pictures. While this may seem reasonable enough, and living without pictures for three months not a big deal, believe me, it was. Because the previous occupant had drilled holes in every. single. freaking. wall. Which were not painted over – he only used a greyish kind of substance to cover them, that only made them more visible. And while this was not such a big problem for most walls, which hold 2 to 3 holes arranged symetrically, one of our living room walls has a grand total of 9 holes. Splattered across it in no recognizable pattern (except maybe of a Leviathan). They look as if a blind man had been drilling for fun. In the dark. (Which is probably rather close to the truth – remember, the man had no lights).
We lived with this for three long, dreary months. But yesterday we decided to do something about it. What we did, first, was map out the holes on the floor. For this, Mr. Baddie was measuring the distances between the holes, and I was then placing post-its on our carpet strategically, thus:
This activity sort of brought to mind another weekend Mr. Baddie and I spent in our new home, me shut in our hallway closet, where a phone socket thingy was supposed to have been covered by the built-in furniture. Him, in the building’s hallway, on a ladder, poking a little hole with a loooong cable which was supposed to reach our flat and determine the existence of a phone line. I was to listen for telling scratching noises. Needless to say I heard none. But did we stop? Oh no, we just switched places.
But let’s get back to the holes at hand. So, after the post-it mapping was done, we displayed the picture frames we had bought on the floor, and fiddled with them until a) they covered the post-its and b) they looked quite pleasing. At Mr. Baddie’s suggestion, we took the paper out of the frames, and arranged it on the wall according to the pattern on the carpet. We stuck the papers with double-sided tape, and the improvement was so breath-taking that I totally forgot to take a photo. We looked at our masterpiece with deep joy. Which lasted for the three seconds before the first paper fell down. Yeah, double-sided tape isn’t what it used to be, folks.
Next came some pencil edging of the paper. And then some more wall-measuring. And then some hammering, nail-breaking and
cursing persevering. Then finally, finally, putting up everything up. So that our formerly holey wall now looks like this:
Oh, did I forget to say that we don’t have any actual pictures yet? Yes, it does look a bit gloomy, I’ll give you that. But we like to think that some of the old masters from Hogwarts might drop in for a visit any time now…